The day I try to be a man
"Choo choo" I was waiting for the train to come pick me up. But then I heard something, sirens. Looking around I saw flames splintering out of the windows.
"Help me!" There was a lady giving her baby to a fireman. I couldn't imagine what that lady was going through. Maybe I could help. I'm just a kid who doesn't know what he is going to do with his life except for trying to get a job at McDonalds. "Whats the worst that can happen.
There it's only 50% chance that I will make it out alive. But I tried anyway. When I got to the building I opened the door. In a couple seconds I found my self running all the way back to the train.
There it's only 50% chance that I will make it out alive. But I tried anyway. When I got to the building I opened the door. In a couple seconds I found my self running all the way back to the train.
"I am not ready to be a man yet," I said to my self.
The end
I like your plot twist at the end! There are just a few easy mistakes through out the story like commas that are supposed to be periods and periods that are supposed to be commas.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story and the ending was so funny. I think you could just add more powerful language and I think you could put tried instead of try on your title.
ReplyDeletei like the ending but i think the soccer leagues was unneeded but other then that really good story
ReplyDeleteYou have a really good story. You also have a lot of punctuation errors. For eg. after choo choo their needs to be a comma and you need to make the beginning of each sentence capital. Other than that good story.
ReplyDeleteIn your title, you need to capitalize all the words. Also, I don't think you need quotations around choo choo, because no one is actually saying those words. Myself is one word. Your story is good, but there are a few punctuation errors. Try reading it out to yourself.
ReplyDeleteYour story is pretty good but add more details and descriptive language to make your writing more powerful.
ReplyDeleteA great creative story with a strong conclusion. Your ending made me laugh and want to read your story again to make sure I didn't miss any other funny parts. Great job on using a variety of sentence lengths to keep your story interesting for the reader. Keep up the creative writing.
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