I was walking on the side of the beach when I saw a stairway to a cloud as white as a whiteboard. I walked up to the stairway and took my first step. Right after I took that step I felt a tingly feeling. I looked at my arms and all my scratches and scabs were gone. I took another step and felt that tingly feeling again. I took out my mirror from my pocket and looked at my self. I looked like I was twenty year old. I was starting to get freaked out. So I zipped up the stairway to see a brick wall. I looked at my self to see if anything had changed. And it had. I looked like I had steroids in me. I had a 8 pack and my legs were as thick as my head. So I walked all the was down and all that stuff was gone. Then bam! the bridge was gone.
***
I walked rolled out of my truck with my wheel chair and rode it to the spot I saw the bridge. I layed down on the ground and died.( I knew I was about to die) Then every thing froze I looked to the side to see the bridge I walked up and the wall was gone. Then I stepped into heaven.
It's to long and kinda confusing but good start and in the picture the stair are not white
ReplyDeleteIm kinda confused by the ending I don't really know what you were trying to say when you said i walked rolled maybe take out walked it would make more sense.
ReplyDeleteI think your story is too long. What do you mean that you are walking on the side of the beach? Myself is one word, and you should make year plural, since you are twenty. I think you meant to say "I walked all the WAYS down". Your sentences are a bit short, so maybe make some periods commas. You say that you walked rolled out of your truck, which makes no sense. The second half of your story makes no sense, so you can get rid of it.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could compare the clouds to something else instead of a whiteboard. You also used many I's on your story so I think you can change it to another or you can start off your story with a descriptive word. Your story is also a bit long so I think you should remove some words but good job in your story !
ReplyDeleteThat is not 100 words you tone that down
ReplyDeleteVery good story, and I'm happy with your effort this week. I would have submitted it to the Showcase this week, but it's 224 words!
ReplyDelete