Pizza man!
"BOOM" It was in world war III the enemies were dropping bombs all over us! I thought that the world was going to end because already half the people in the world are already died. We were also running out of food. I looked to the blazing fire on the left and there was a plane that fell.
"I wonder how that happened?"
"BOOM" Another plane fell.
"Whats happening?" I whispered to myself. "FLEW" something flew bye me in a flash. Another plane fell and another one. Soon there was ten falling at once. Then I heard a noise.
"Pizza slap!" The mysterious man. HE turned around and he was made out of pizza!!!
It's "half of the people in the world are already dead" not died or you can say "half of the people in the world had already died". Also you might want to change up your words a bit to make your story flow more and pizza man isn't really included in the story maybe add more parts that he's in because at first your like "planes were falling" and then it was "there was pizza man". But overall nice story.
ReplyDeleteLike what jjmonkey said, and also you don't really need to put quotations around sounds, because then it seems like someone is saying it. You should capitalize World War III, because it is the proper noun, and when you say 'I wonder what happened' it is a little confusing because you don't know who is saying it.
ReplyDeleteYou have some capitalized words that you dont need to capitalize. I suggest that you can add more parts about the superhero and a bit more powerful language. Good job in your story this week !
ReplyDeleteBe sure to use the feedback given to you by your peers. I agree with them that your story is confusing especially when you introduce Pizza man. He doesn't seem to fit the flow of your story. Reading your story out loud to an adult and asking for feedback is always a good idea.
ReplyDelete